yanneng

Spreed for the first time.

Sigh. Tired.

Somehow feeling emo. I wish I'd find someone.

Why?

My mother isn't very happy with what I told her; but things are better now. All that is behind us.

I saw my grandma today. She lost a lot of weight - she's hungry but she can't eat because the cancer is in her stomach. And yet I didn't say anything to her. Just gave her a hug and said goodbye when we left. I told her to take care of herself. That's all. I didn't know what else to say.

I really don't want to grow old. It's scary.

He's a homophobe.

Why do I always make the wrong choices?

Sticks and stones will break your bones
And leave them lying in the mud
But you’ll be scared when we’re alone
Like I might suck your blood
And I could tell you a witch’s spell
But it just might blow your top
And you start to run just as I’m having fun
It's awfully hard to stop
It's awfully hard to stop

 I took leave today!

Sushi Tei: $27+
J. Co: $6.50
Club Marc: $59

I wanted to get more things but was hesitant. Things are so expensive.

And I read the most fabulous book.



Fantastic. One of the best books I ever read in my life. I'm very tempted to buy it just for the sake of referring to it during my writing. It's a style I'd love to emulate, along with the Nightside series by Simon R. Green. I was quite sad when it ended - then I realised that it is probably a series!!! And I'm so happy about that. Of course, there are a few things about it that I thought had its pros and cons; wondered how the writer grappled with that, but oh my god, it's a really really good book that also scared me. I can't wait for the next in the series - which is don't know when. Might consider just buying every single book in the series.

Sigh. Have to book in VERY soon in about 45minutes. Too bad I'm less than half done still when people are ORD-ing and leaving us. Have a great journey my dear 3 section commanders and PC. Finally out of the freezer and back to freedom fresh and defrosted.


And stop being so scared of me; there's no need to!

 No mountain or sea, no thing of this world could keep us apart.

Because this isn't my world.

You are.

 
Last week was theoretically okay based on terms of activities. Did Chemical Defence, know the surface of what Sihao does but okay la, they surely do much more than just that. Had to go into the gas chamber 3 times because I was a failure + diaphragm seemed to have problems. The bag I got in the end wasn't mind, had a S sized PT top, and a smelly water bottle. So I went to buy another water bottle today but not buying PT because I have no more credits. Had to top up 4 dollars to buy a Mess Tin also.

Friday had SOC and I was like WTF super sian but okay I tried my best. I passed the low wall, did it in 11 minutes, with my rifle sling dropping out after I jumped the low ramp, and with sir shouting at me. Probably the last time he'd shout at me since he's leaving on Wednesday. But yeah, he was good la shouting at me 'cause I really wanted to give up already. 11 minutes very good la I usually do 12 or 13. And I passed all the obstacles so hopefully I can pass once I do SOC a few more times.

But apart from the activities, things were quite hectic. And maybe it's because I'm creating drama for myself. Stupid me.

Was nice meeting my BMT mates yesterday miss them muchly. Today though was a lonely day of getting books from the library AGAIN. Hoping this week would be better. I hate the army I can't wait to get out. SAFKA starts this week, saturday. Here's hoping that we'd get to book out. Sigh.

Oh but wait being a book fan, I finally BORROWED so many books that I really wanted yesterday yay!!!!!!!!!

And then now I'm going to book into camp SIGH I really hate it. I feel so stifled there and there are so few things that I look forward to, and one thing that I shouldn't look forward to but I do. sigh.

 This weekend was abysmal to say that least.

I went to the library a lot of times, borrowing many books, those that I might not be able to finish reading in time.

I've been writing a little. Reading about writing. Sigh.

Thinking of getting many things again. Alas! the greed in the heart.

This week started off horrible.

Then it became okay. Because of... (:

This week... I don't know.

There's live urban operations tomorrow. ):

Super sian. Tonight 8:30pm book in. So early.

Oh well. Here's hoping this week won't be that bad.

Sigh. But now my heart is sinking in dread, I feel naseous, something sinking through my throat to my stomach. I don't want to book in - I don't like this life.

But there's nothing I can do. Nothing.

 
This previous week was a mixture of slow and fast. It is slow when people like to disturb us and our peace. It is fast when we simply train hard with no other stupid distractions. Training is hard now - my body ached the whole week. And our CSM stayed out of our way for those few days. However, he did interfere quite a few times - misunderstanding, assuming. He doesn't know the truth. He is blinded. He always asks us to touch our hearts. What would happen when he touches his own heart knowing the truth? Ignorance is bliss - it's easy to just pretend men are just stupid and lazy, when it isn't the case. Of course he can touch his heart and feel nothing being ignorant.

This coming week will be a torture. 32km Route March, tests every 4 or 8 km, added with a river crossing. I hate my life. There's UO on Monday, which I also hate because it is so stupid. People keep saying it will be fun, but as I know with my unit and my company, they'd find a way to make it as un-fun as possible because they hate seeing us happy. Everyone got a nights' out last week in my unit, mostly everyone else outside my unit has a fixed nights out every week, and we got nothing. Why? Do we not deserve it? That's ridiculous. If drivers deserve a nights out for slacking off, I deserve a nights out for running 5km, not to mention 2 heavy sessions of Strength Training on top of additional needless lessons.

Life just sucks for me and I don't know why they have to make it so difficult when they don't have to.

---

Every single day I feel like I'm losing myself, losing my soul. I can't accept this kind of life. I'm resigned but not resigned enough. I still want a better life than this. Please, just give it to me. Please.

Sigh. Half an hour to booking in.

 
Taking it five days at a time. -crosses fingers- I can't wait for friday. And I hope this week is not tough. Love to everyone! I miss so many people man <3

It's been a short bout of freedom, spent unwisely. Got to eat Aburi Salmon Belly with Lynette on Thursday, and went out for breakfast with Javier yesterday. That's all the going out I did since Tuesday when I came back. What a sad life. But okay la, I have to say I enjoyed it and I'm so sad that this short bout of freedom is ending tomorrow!



Yes tomorrow. I'm booking in tomorrow.

You know sometimes, I just think about my life in general now and it's just this overwhelming sense of sadness. I have nothing to live for right now. Yes, I know I have to remember that I have family and friends - but there's this overarching despair that reigns in my life. I hate it. The army really takes a lot out of you and I don't enjoy army at all. There's nothing I gain, a lot that I lose... Really, ever since I entered I don't think I learned anything apart from gaining more appreciation for life in general. And I learned that in the first confinement week in the army. So, thank you but no thank you; just let me out after I have learned that tiny lesson.

There are other things that happened that disturb me. Like my uncle beckoning me to bring my girlfriend to show them. I don't have one. I can care less about this; but my grandma with all the faith in the world told him that I could bring ten, twenty females back for him to choose one for me. That made me feel so ______. I don't know how to explain it. Sigh.

I want to be free of the baggage known as NS. Many people by now have accepted it, even hate me for complaining. They don't because somehow they are gaining something from it, or they are enjoying themselves, they have made lovely friends, people that they can connect with, earning great pay, or some shit like that. They say, "Why do you whine when you can't escape already? Just accept it."

I just don't want to lose any more of myself any longer.

 Maybe this time, I'll be lucky
Maybe this time, he'll stay
Maybe this time
For the first time
Love won't hurry away

He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time
And the time before

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win

 
I'm leaving for Brunei. Bye everyone! Talk to me when I'm back. I'm so dreading it but somehow I haven't felt that it's COMING you know. I think the feeling will hit later at the airport. <3

---
edit

Okay, feeling it now sigh. I really don't want to go. Outfield again and again and again in a foreign country with inhospitable weather, monstrous (Othello) insects, mud/sand/rocks, boysboysboys. And when I get back, almost everyone would've gone already. Sigh. Don't like being alone.

Pray for me please. I hope this 18 days will pass like lightning. I hope things won't be too uncomfortable. I hope I brought everything I was supposed to. I hope packing again won't be that bad. I hope there's enough rest. I hope if I get sick, it won't be major enough to impair me, but allow me to skip an exercise or two (HAHAHA). Gah.

Love. Sigh.

"It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something: there's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that and some day they will." - Sue Sylvester in Glee

 

change is a scary thing.

The Sleepover was wilder than I would've imagined. I never got drunk in my life so I don't know my alcohol tolerance and for the first time in my life, yesterday, I got drunk. I didn't even expect it. I only knew once I stood up to pee. It is so strange when your body is not in your control and it's hard to explain how it feels to be tipsy. Every small move I made was magnified. I couldn't even walk straight. Scratch that, I couldn't even walk. The worst thing was how you keep trying to focus but you can't. You try to speak softly but you scream. You say something but you have to say it again and again. And I thought one of the scariest things was how I said things that I never knew I felt so deeply about. I mean, I know I hate my life, but I didn't know I hated it so much that it's not only my situation that I hate. I knew I'd miss all of my friends who are leaving me but I couldn't believe I bawled about it.

Friends are really important. I must thank them so much. Kristine, Rachel and Jiamin. They kept me calm while I was sort of hyperventilating a while. They cleaned up all my vomit. They helped me off the toilet floor onto the toiletbowl so I could sit. They gave me clothes to change into when I was all dirty and disgusting. They put up with my screaming of "I'm so sorry I really didn't want to vomit!" They kept telling me everything was fine, things were okay. Helped me stay calm and more sane. I'm sorry friends and thank you so much! Only real friends help to clean you up when you vomit all over yourself.

It was a good experience. Had a fantastic sleepover before my enlistment. Had a fantastic sleepover before they all leave.

Just so all of you who are leaving knows, I love you guys.

---

I DONT WANT TO BOOK IN.

 
Last week wasn't that bad. It wasn't GREAT, but it was good enough since OUTFIELD was CANCELLED :D So yay! Thank god there was this guy, some Brigade Commander, who was getting promoted to some other place and some guy was taking over him, so we had to do a parade for them, meaning we spent the whole week marching. Okay, that in usual cases is BAD because we are marching in the hot sun, wearing really sweaty and smelly things. However, because this forced us to stay in camp and not go OUTFIELD, I was so happy!!!

Marching in hot sun + many repetitive practices and rehearsals >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> rolling in mud and not sleeping

I can't wait to be free (: I keep planning on what I'm going to do when I ORD but that's light years away; it's about a trip to brunei, a visitation cum exercise with indonesians, a month of redalert, another trip to taiwan, two horrible tests called ATEC and then a lot of POI (guardduty) away. >: Ohwell. I should make a whole list of what I'm going to do but I can't be bothered right now am leaving the house in about 2 hours +.

One of the things I'm going to do though is to play this game, even if I have to buy a new computer for it, even if I have to pay for monthly fees and everything: The Secret World. Just look at the trailers! Isn't it incredibly fun?

I hope I really can gain powers like this in real life - would help so much in NS man! But okay, the characters probably trained a lot, which is what I'm doing now, which is what I'm -not- enjoying. UGH I HATE OUTFIELD

I don't really know what to say apart from it being a really tough week. It was really terrible, I never felt so angry before. How abused I felt. Missed marksman. Realizing that people are talking. Betrayals. Getting over then getting into again.

Outfield again next week. Sick of it. Got things to do - I wish I had more free time in the week.

The week wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; but it was still bad compared to the previous weeks. This is because outfield has started and my new job as a runner has started! I mean, some of my own admin time is taken up doing things for my PC - that's the sacrifice I have to make for an easier time in outfield. But an easier time =/= funner time, because the camaraderie (I keep forgetting how to spell this word so I keep using spellcheck) that you have with the other men is lost. You only have one person around you most of the time, and he speaks to your superiors. I just keep quiet and pretend to be invisible most of the time.

Most commanders think I'm gay but whatever as long as they don't discriminate I guess I'm fine with it. Better to make them feel uneasy about me so when the time comes I can strike fear in their hearts! Rawr haha.

Okay, I hate how my livejournal looks so screwed up? Like there's a huge space below the box which I can't fill out. Maybe it's because I'm using Google Chrome. I don't know why I changed from IE to this but whatevs.

Today has been really boring though, did nothing but watch Project Runway. I missed the show but it isn't as fabulous as before, I don't know why. Bleh. Maybe because it's the first episode. I don't know.

Anyway, this guy has been very mean to me and apparently he says it's to make me more manly but seriously I don't care what others think of me I'm perfectly happy who I am and all the people who like me think so too. He made me so angry that I actually _____ but whatever it's over.

I'm so sian. Have to book in early because of this stupid punishment for not cleaning well enough. Sometimes I think people are so biased but there's nothing you can do. Blah.

I can't wait to ORD.